Monday, September 22, 2014

No Fan of Apple iPhones? You'll love this...

My high schooler is just going to love watching the video below over and over. He hates Apple so much, and for all the right reasons; its bland proprietary features and obnoxious rabid fan base pictured below.

The crowd reaction is mind numbing. What is wrong with these people?

'It's all good,' he tells an onlooking crowd.
Check out this tech writers look at the latest crop of Apples. You'll laugh, you'll cry:
The Guardian-Charlie Brooker: Apple’s software updates are like changing the water in a fish tank. I’d rather let the fish die.

First they were implicated in the stolen celebrity nude photo disaster. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think the iPhone is generally marketed as a diabolical timewasting device with the potential to wreak a grotesque and devastating invasion of your personal privacy. They tend to focus more on all the cool colours it comes in.

Then they launched the horrible-looking Apple Watch, which does everything an iPhone can do, but more expensively and pointlessly, and on a slightly different part of your body. Only an unhealthily devoted Apple fanatic could bear to wear a Apple Watch, and even that poor notional idiot would have to keep putting their iPhone down in order to operate the damn thing.

 It’s not a watch. It’s a gaudy wristband aimed at raising awareness of Chinese factory conditions. Or a handy visual tag that helps con artists instantly identify gullible rich idiots in a crowd.

Apple also unveiled the all-new bigger iPhone 6. By releasing two differently sized rectangles, which in turn differ from its previous range of differently sized rectangles, Apple has selfishly exhausted the global supply of differently sized rectangles. Wars will be fought to decide which dimension becomes the standard. And when mankind finally settles on a compromise, Apple is going to start on ovals.

But the other new development – the launch of iOS 8 – is impossible for iPhone users to ignore. But if I hold out, gradually nothing will work on my existing phone. They’ll freeze me out by degrees. Cut me out of the club. Plus I’ll miss out on great features such as slightly different icons and a terrifying new form of predictive text that precisely mimics the sensation of talking to an idiot who keeps finishing your sentences for you. 

All you want to do is watch TV and rot in your own filth. Part of the problem is that smartphones are so horribly addictive, as moreish as smoking. The difference between smartphones and cigarettes is this: a cigarette robs 10 minutes from your lifespan, but at least has the decency to wait and withdraw all that time in bulk as you near the end of your life – whereas a smartphone steals your time in the present moment, by degrees. Five minutes here. Five minutes there. Then you look up and you’re 85 years old. 

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